What love is really about.

Shopping for my birthday today became more like an awakening. Since the beginning of the year I have started to feel the pressure from all of my girlfriend's getting married. It had slowly started to wear on me, but the more that I attempted to suppress my longing for a similar relationship the more my emotions snowballed into what eventually led me to an anxiety attack. For me the marital perks are net yet worth the ever after part. I am still at a loss when it comes to understanding what the rush is in getting married. In total, I have about 15 girls, including girlfriends from college of course, getting married throughout the year. It creates this deep inner animosity for those who are happily tying the knot, but also it brings to surface the longing of childhood dreams and curiosity. I know that I am not ready for a major commitment, but it is kind of like the whole idea of being included. For example, if your at a party and everyone begins to use drugs it is not that you're interested in doing drugs, but you would at least like to be asked so you could make the decision for yourself instead of someone else making it for you. The same with getting engaged. It is not like I want to get engaged, but without someone asking it takes away the privilege of saying no if I so chose. It makes you feel as though you are the only person not invited to the fashion show. (I would say party, but fashion shows are way more meaningful to me than some jerk not inviting me to their lame get together.) As it turns out, for every girl that is still available, although it may seem like you are unlovable, that's really not the case. I learned today that we tend to get ourselves worked up into this estranged mess that causes our hearts perhaps to beat a little slower, which from my understanding is the complete opposite of falling in love. I think that we get too wrapped up in other's relationships and that of which society makes us seem as though we should be. "What we should be" is focused on getting back to the childhood fantasy of romance and fairytale endings. Being happy and in love, not only chasing men, but life. We should be focused on ourselves and our dreams and not let anyone persuade you to settle for a lower bid than you're offered. In all actuality, it was never about the man, but about the ring. Today I learned that it's about self control and knowing that it's ok to not follow the current trend of getting hitched. So if you start feeling down because you are either alone, or girlfriends that you know have been together for a shorter amount of time than you and your man have and are now getting married, there is a simple solution that will rock your world. Have a friend or loved one buy you a ring. Not just any ring. I big shiny ring that screams happiness. It really settles your sweet tooth for being wanted, and fortunately does not include ever after!

If home is where the heart is...

Well, it has been quite a summer of set backs.  It will not be until this Tuesday when I leave for California that I will actually feel as though I am moving forward and not backwards.  After graduating college I so fervently diagnosed myself with a bad case of whip lash experienced from the deprivation of sleep and healthy food for the last 4+ years.  Most I guess "young adults", as one of my age may refer to them self now sadly enough, I would suppose are experiencing a similar feeling.  The feeling of being homesick.  There is nothing that will ever relate to your college experience except maybe more college, and in my opinion for my degree, if I didn't catch it on the first go round I am certainly not going to apprehend anything for a second time.  So where do I go from here? Where do I go from what has been my temporary home for the last few years?  Before you leave for college you have a different opinion of home.  Home is where you grew up, where your family and grade school friends are.  It is not until you have moved away and are well into your second year of college that your heart has somehow decided to relocate and find a new home.  You don't realize it happens because college moves so quickly.  Graduation day hits and you are having to move out of your apartment and say goodbye to the family that you have known for such a short time through college.  That's when it hits.  Whiplash. You've been moving at such a fast pace for so long that your head is spinning from the sudden lack of anything to do besides move back to what you now call your parent's home.  Where is your place then?  My heart had decided to move into my college apartment, but when college was over it felt like I had left my heart behind.  Camp is over and I am now waiting for reality to set in.